From All Of UZZ
by Elven Moon
Summary: It's a Secret Show Christmas! Doctor Doctor is planning to replace all presents with fruitcake, the least wanted item of the holidays. Can Victor and Anita stop her?


Author's Note: Here's a little Christmas gift for you guys. Since I am not British, nor do I have British friends, I might have got a few things wrong about Christmas there, and if so please inform me so that I can fix it. Also, I went by the typical holiday special logic that pretty much ignores time zones ;) Additionally, Victor is singing an American carol because of his American heritage (considering he doesn't have an accent, we can't be sure he grew up in the country). With that said, enjoy!

* * *

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way..."

It was a pleasant end of the day, and U.Z.Z. agent Victor was taking full advantage of it. The soft white snowflakes falling from the sky only added to the cliché backdrop for his singing, which to a normal listener might sound like the mating call of an exotic bird.

Anita smiled at her partner's antics from across the way on her skybike. "Wow, Victor, you're in a good mood."

He looked at her as though she were crazy. "Well, yeah. It's almost Christmas! Singing, presents, lots of yummy food. It's the best time of year!" Waving his hands to put emphasis on his excitement, he was like a five-year-old trapped in a grown man's body. "My mom makes the best pudding... if she forgets to put garlic in it. Uncle Emmett sits by the fireplace and tells stories... Aunt Molly with her bright red lipstick and fake hair extensions comes up to pinch my cheeks and says-"

"Victor!" called out a voice on his communicator.

"Ah!" Victor let out a scream as he lost his grip on his skybike's handles, nearly falling off. It took him a second to recover before replying. "Yes?"

It was Professor Professor. "I need you _und_ Anita to head back to base for another mission."

They looked at each other and frowned, very much in the dark on what could be so urgent that it would delay their respective plans. Who could be cruel enough to push the working limit on this of all days? Besides the infamous Ebenezer Scrooge, and he was entirely fictional. "But Professor Professor, it's Christmas Eve!" Victor whined.

"Evil does not take a holiday off. But I can't say anything else. Just get here as quickly as you can."

~*~

The briefing was no private affair, as every available agent in U.Z.Z. had gathered in their largest briefing room, built to look more like a movie theater than anything else. Victor and Anita were just taking their usual seats, cradling cookies and peppermint cocoa in their hands as Professor Professor took the stage, Changed Daily coming up just behind. The short man brought out his trusty pointing stick and cleared his throat.

"No doubt you are wondering why I have called you all here." An image of the T.H.E.M. logo appeared on the screen behind him. "Doctor Doctor is planning something. That something is sinister, something..." An image of Doctor Doctor, a bright red stocking and a box wrapped in colored paper appeared. "Fruity."

"Fruity?" Anita asked aloud.

The professor nodded. "Yes, fruity. She plans to replace all presents with stale, moldy fruitcake." Everyone in the room gasped. Though a popular holiday item, it was usually loathed by the receiver and was the end of jokes even many, many years after its creation. Only somebody as cunning as Professor Professor's female counterpart would come up with such a plan (and have the resources to do so). "I have received word that the fiend is currently preparing to strike as we speak."

Changed Daily (whose name of the moment was "Ronald Dimples the Third") interrupted. "Victor, Anita." They stood as soon as their names were called, Victor taking a moment to steal a sip of cocoa and wipe any crumbs from his lips. "I need the two of you to intercept and make sure she doesn't succeed."

"But how do we do that, Ronald Dimples the Third?" said Anita.

~*~

"I can't believe I'm in this thing."

"Oh, do stop complaining, Victor."

"Well, when I said I liked being in the Christmas spirit, I didn't mean _this_!"

Professor Professor looked on proudly as the two top agents put the final touches on their yuletide disguises, which really made them look like they belonged in a low-budget school play rather than a dangerous secret mission. Any child worth their salt would know them - they were elves, complete with striped red socks and large pointy ears. "Now, the ears are a direct link to me in case of an emergency. Take care you don't-"

"We're not exactly going to blend in, Professor Professor. I don't think the Expendables will all be dressed like this." Victor turned in a circle, the bells on his shoes jingling with every move. He sighed, openly embarrassed with the situation.

The elder German gentleman clicked his tongue and smiled. "Of course they won't be. I just thought it would be fun, that's all."

"What?" Victor said, balling his hands into fists. It wasn't beyond the man to pull a stunt like this. That was exactly how he operated; often making them do strange things for his amusement, or withholding information he really shouldn't, just because he could.

"Oh, the calamity!" Agent Ray came running towards the trio, hands clutching a stocking with a large bulge sticking out. "Look what's happened."

The professor leaned over to inspect the new problem and mutter to himself, no doubt something you'd need a few university degrees to understand. Then, much more loudly and in plain English he added, "Oh dear, it's already started."

~*~

The costumes weren't very resilient to the cold, and Victor and Anita (well, mostly Victor) found themselves shivering to the bones as they flew in the sky to Doctor Doctor's base. Mercifully, the trip was short, as it never took very long to find her, perhaps fifteen minutes to an hour thanks to the incredible technology they carried. As soon as a good place to land had been found, the agents slipped into a main hallway and crept as quietly as possible, considering the noise the bells on their clothes made.

But it didn't really matter, because it was almost as if you'd paid a visit to Santa's Workshop in the final hour. Dozens of Expendables dashed along holding what looked to be bricks wrapped in crinkled green or red material, shouting orders and paying little or no attention to the new arrivals. Assessing that they faced no threats at the moment, Anita put her laser gun away and beckoned her partner to follow.

It wasn't much farther that Doctor Doctor's laughter reached their ears. It was a laugh dripping with confidence, one absolutely sure of success. Peeking through a very large doorway, they spotted her standing next to a bright yellow T.H.E.M. aircraft, which was surrounded by several smaller ones. Expendables hurried back and forth, delivering their cargo to each one and sealing the doors for travel.

"Soon I will have ruined Christmas for everyone! Then they'll all be so sad, it will be easy to conquer the earth. Hah!" Her teeth, yellow and looking as though they hadn't been tended to in a decade (or longer), shook to match her glee. A man wearing a helmet with the number twelve on it ran up and whispered something, causing the female villain to pause and give instructions.

"This is like straight out of a corny Christmas special," Victor whispered to Anita as they moved nearer, dodging behind things to remain undetected. She tilted her head, showing neither agreement nor disagreement, and gave him the gesture to stay silent.

However, such a thing was like telling a cat not to groom itself, and goof-prone Victor tripped over an invisible item on the floor, knocking them both over and startling Doctor Doctor.

Attempting to regain any leftover dignity from the blunder, Victor stood and coughed awkwardly. "Haven't I seen this somewhere before? You should at least be original."

Doctor Doctor smirked and folded her hands across her chest. "Victor Volt and Anita Knight. I expected you'd show up sooner or later."

Anita smirked right back. "We always do. So how about we stop this nonsense now and call it a day?"

Doctor Doctor put a hand to her chin, as if actually thinking about it. "How about... no."

Mere seconds later, several pounds of fruitcake fell on top of the heroes from seemingly out of nowhere. Before they could even register in their minds what had happened, a trap door opened, plummeting them towards the ground. Their standard issue U.Z.Z. parachutes opened and worked, but it was definitely a good idea to go back to the drawing board for a Plan B.

Floating slowly down, there was plenty of time for conversation, and the silence didn't last long.

Victor's communicator beeped, and an accented voice inquired, "Victor, are you still alive?".

"Yes, I'm still alive, but we failed. Doctor Doctor is going to ruin Christmas." He wiped a dramatic tear from his eye. "And poor little Jimmy and Mary and Grandma Brown aren't going to get what they wanted this year."

Anita raised an eyebrow. "Who on earth are those people, Victor?"

"I don't know, I made them up."

She closed her eyes in irritation, grumbled "Oh, Victor" and turned attention away from her weird friend. "Say, Professor Professor, why do you sound so muffled?"

"That is because I'm surrounded by fruitcake. If you get enough of them it makes a pretty cool fort."

Pause. "I could say something sarcastic, but I won't," Victor laughed. If looks could kill (or if Victor could see the inventor's face), the young man would've been as cold as a fish in a matter of seconds.

They were coming close to landing, so Anita requested a ride home. All that was to be done was hurry to a sure solution, and hurry fast, if winning was to be possible.

~*~

"Think, you handsome devil, think!"

The early hours of the morning were upon them, and steam was rising from Professor Professor's shiny head. Victor and Anita, still in costume, watched as he paced on the floor of the main pod at base. He was under much stress to find a surefire, absolute way to stop Doctor Doctor, who had been pretty successful in her plan so far. They only had a few more hours before the people of the world (at least in some parts) would begin to wake up and discover the problem.

And Victor wasn't through thinking about just what Christmas meant to him. "I remember when I was little, my mom would get me the coolest stuff for Christmas. This one year, I got a toy gun, and I was all 'bang bang bang'!" He laughed to himself. "It was fun. Then, when I was eight, I got the 'Attack of the Broccoli Men from Planet Znard' video game, and-"

Professor Professor stopped his pacing at Victor's words and stood perfectly still. "That's it, Victor!" It was so obvious now. No time was wasted getting to the large video screen computer nearby, and he began typing things rapidly before explaining furthur. "We need to counteract the bad presents with good presents!"

"And just how do we do that?" Anita asked.

Professor Professor touched the screen with his pointy stick, and Agent Ray appeared. "Did you get that, Agent Ray?"

"Affirmative. Come on guys," the man said to people offscreen, "let's get moving." And they did, armed with guns packed with candy, dolls, toy soldiers and other goodies, which they aimed at anything T.H.E.M. They also carried giant rolls of wrapping paper, throwing them like tarps and finishing the job off with bows. It was a wonder (and a secret) how they managed to assemble everything at such a speed.

Meanwhile, Doctor Doctor was oblivious to what was happening, sitting comfortably in her floating home. "Just a little longer, boys. Then, company party!" All the employees nearby cheered, unbothered by lack of sleep and decent canteen food.

A lone Expendable spotted something on the radar, killing the mood. "I'm picking up an U.Z.Z. craft on the radar, Doctor Doctor... and I'm not getting a response from the other units."

"U.Z.Z.!" she growled, almost breaking an armrest on her chair from fury. "Just wait until I-" Before she could finish, everything went dark.

~*~

"And so, all is well again with the world, Doctor Doctor has been defeated, and Christmas has been saved." Changed Daily (called "Smelly Gigglebum" as of midnight) declared beside his beloved mantlepiece.

"Just how are we going to go back and switch all the presents?" Victor said, yanking the elf ears off his head in silent triumpth. "We don't have any time left!"

Professor Professor pulled a silver square with a yellow button on it out of his pocket. Pushing the button caused a red phone to rise up out of the floor. "Silly Victor, all we have to do is call the jolly man himself."

Anita drew in a sharp breath of air. "Do you mean... Santa Claus?"

Victor scoffed. "Oh, come on. If that's so, why didn't he go and fix it in the first place?"

"Because if he had, this would've been a very short story." Professor Professor winked, and that was that.


End file.
